Finding Gifts in Flaws: My Story

Growing up and most of my adulthood I developed this fear of being “too much”. I had a few negative experiences in high school where I was told that I did too much. One story in particular I remember there was guy I really liked, a youthful crush. So I got his number somehow and called him. I don’t think he was that into me. I may have called a few times out of anxiousness and he had his sister pick up one time and she said “your calling too much”. I definitely never called again and I was mortified. I’m sure there were other occasions and I’m not sure if that was the beginning. I do remember that experience clearly. I didn’t like the feeling of being the one who “did too much”.

I had carefully spent my years growing up in scenarios of romance only making “moves” I was sure of. I knew when someone liked me and when I when I felt the same I moved accordingly. Ultimately keeping in the back of my mind not to do “too much” not to give my all. In hindsight I was just holding back and shoving it down because I used to be a bit disconnected in love. I’ll get into that another blog. In my friendships I was the polar opposite. I was the friend who was always available, answered the call, showed up when you needed. I was the one who gave my all, my energy and capacity.

I get that from the women in my family my grandmother raised me and she was the epitome of selflessness. She would give the shirt off her back to help her family in need. The women in my family are fierce strong women but they will give and nurture in a heart beat. I learned from the best. But I had felt so much disappointment in giving. The downside, hurtful side to being a giver is all the takers. It is not knowing that you need to have something for yourself. I saw a clip of Iyanla Vanzant with Oprah on her Lifeclass series a few years ago that changed the game for me. Iyanla said “you have to give from the overflow”, she goes to explain that your cup is full and for you and everyone else gets the overflow.” (See the YouTube clip posted below) That moment enforced my boundary. I had to learn to give from a space that doesn’t deplete me by giving to myself first.

Giving is my power. Having the capacity to nurture and give love is a cornerstone of empathy. And empathy was always in me. My mother has a mental illness and I learned very early on not to judge. I love my mother deeply and the world didn’t understand those parts of her. She was my mom and her compassion, capability and warmth was vast. It was nothing like what any of the stigma surrounding her illness spoke to. I knew who she was then and is now. I learned not judge because of love, because of her. I realized that my fear of too much my perspective of this was not fair. I shifted that perspective. I now define my “too much” as a vast and large capacity to care and give.

By profession I’ve worked in mental health as a case manager for families, individuals with mental illness and those who suffer drug addiction. And now I am pursuing a career as a Life and Wellness Coach. Every day I held space for total strangers. Every day I set out to make sure people know they are a person first. I treat everyone with the same compassion I would want people to treat my mother. “Too much love, too much care, too much consideration”. My biggest flaw is my Power and my Gift. It helps me connect to people genuinely for some times minutes at a time and other cases months and weeks.

I encourage everyone to really look at what you think is a flaw or weakness. To look at the things in life that come natural to you. I challenge you to understand where they may be your gifts. Learn your Power, connect to it and feel it. Maybe in that process you will find other things, and more things again. In that power, learning that gift is the key to freedom.

I’ll put it like this walking in your power is like learning to ride a bike or skateboard for the first time. You have to fall and mess up a whole bunch. But that moment, that first moment when you finally stop falling. That first glide. That is freedom. That is walking in purpose, living in your power and practicing your gift. It could be art, nursing, writing, talking , it may not even be your profession. It could be just a hobby that brings you joy. Just put in some work, practice it and it will be oh so sweet freedom.

Love All Ways, Always

Jaminah B